First Day of Class

A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves.

The first child stands and says, "My name is Mary Johnson."

"Thank you, Mary", says the teacher.

The second student says, "My name is Sam Smith."

"Thank you, Sam."

The third student says, "My name is Johnny Fuckhour."

The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will not be allowed. He replies, "Honest, my name is Johnny Fuckhour. If you don't believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is."

So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, "Do you have a Fuckhour in here?"

One boy stands in the back of the room and says, "Hell, no! We don't even get a nap hour in here!"

 

 

Job Fair

 

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.

The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

 

 

 

 

Freshman Guide To Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE

To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

WHAT YOU NEED

1) Girl with bra

2) Two functional hands

3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES

1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"

2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.

3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

 

 

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:

1) "I really want to thank you for this."

2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."

3) "Do you have any cereal?"

 

Dog Knows Music..

 

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read.

The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl.

Johnny's father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could.

Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled, "For God's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

 

Final Exam Failure

 

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.

The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?"

Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."

Indefinitely

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,

"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!

 

 

 

 

                 

Y2K

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have

dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: "I needed three important

people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy

the Earth."

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: "I have two

really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the

earth."

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: "I have good

news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is

tomorrow he's destroying the Earth."

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: "I have two pieces of

great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth,

and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed."      

 

 

Frog princess

 

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road.

As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.'

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.'

The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.'

The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls.

But a talking frog is cool!'